So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
