I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
