Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
