I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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