Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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