good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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