I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wish they made helmets for livers.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
