You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
