guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
