i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
