I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
