If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are the jesus of drinking
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
