just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
