I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
