is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
