Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
zippers are such a cool invention
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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