If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.