do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
