you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
