I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
