What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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