I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
