I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
