I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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