I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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