so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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