he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've blown a few things in my day
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
