It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
