If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
