highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
