She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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