nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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