So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You made out with two different species that night
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Two words: blizzard sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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