Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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