this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The best revenge is premature balding
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
