It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
