peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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