Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just forgot I was standing up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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