yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
