I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
