the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
