Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
