So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she peed on how many people?
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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