If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
