stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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