theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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