if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
