Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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