i barfeds in our rink
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
