I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
