Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
