I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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