I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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