Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
