i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
